My daughter (11.5yrs) is extremely shy - can mones work for younger kids? My heart breaks for her...she has one friend...she is very bright...straight A's...she has a heart of gold...she said to me - dad, i just want to fit in...i'm wondering if a)she's too young for mones & b)what if any might work.
Any info / comments would be awesome.
Thanks!

Mate, I feel you. Really do. However, I don't think mones are the solution here.

From what you've written, looks like she is a natural brilliant-introvert. I'm guessing that the kids around her can neither communicate nor comprehend at HER level.

I'd suggest getting her intellect tested, then if she checks out with a much higher IQ than normal, to enrol her in programs with others who have similar brilliance. Get her more involved in areas that appeal to HER with people who think LIKE her.

It would also be good for her to talk to a therapist to explore the root cause behind her shyness. It may be that she is shy simply because she is unable to converse intellectually with those around her, OR it may be from a childhood trauma that you may know about but have forgotten, or may not know about at all.

Also along the lines of her "dad, I just want to fit in" desire, should her IQ test higher and her shyness be determined as caused by inability for those around her to communicate on her level, then it falls to you as her father to explain this to her.

Give it to her straight. Don't beat about the bush.

Tell her why she is yet unable to "fit in" with her current group of peers (not in a derogatory manner, of course), and that the solution is, for her to mix more with people who are of similar wavelength as her just for the time being.

The idea here is that when she starts coming out of her introverted shell, it will be easier to get her to adjust socially, i.e. she can learn to BRIDGE THE DIVIDE between the less intellectual peers and herself. She's got to learn how to manage the mundane with the mentally-magnificent, conversation-wise.

In other words, she's gotta get her EQ up, and that starts with her coming out of her shell. There are programs out there which can help her with her EQ.

Mones are not the answer here.

Moreover, she is at that age where her own hormones are just about ready to shoot sky high. Mones may wreak havoc with puberty.

(02-27-2015 2:49 AM)kimosabe Wrote:  Mate, I feel you. Really do. However, I don't think mones are the solution here.

From what you've written, looks like she is a natural brilliant-introvert. I'm guessing that the kids around her can neither communicate nor comprehend at HER level.

I'd suggest getting her intellect tested, then if she checks out with a much higher IQ than normal, to enrol her in programs with others who have similar brilliance. Get her more involved in areas that appeal to HER with people who think LIKE her.

It would also be good for her to talk to a therapist to explore the root cause behind her shyness. It may be that she is shy simply because she is unable to converse intellectually with those around her, OR it may be from a childhood trauma that you may know about but have forgotten, or may not know about at all.

Also along the lines of her "dad, I just want to fit in" desire, should her IQ test higher and her shyness be determined as caused by inability for those around her to communicate on her level, then it falls to you as her father to explain this to her.

Give it to her straight. Don't beat about the bush.

Tell her why she is yet unable to "fit in" with her current group of peers (not in a derogatory manner, of course), and that the solution is, for her to mix more with people who are of similar wavelength as her just for the time being.

The idea here is that when she starts coming out of her introverted shell, it will be easier to get her to adjust socially, i.e. she can learn to BRIDGE THE DIVIDE between the less intellectual peers and herself. She's got to learn how to manage the mundane with the mentally-magnificent, conversation-wise.

In other words, she's gotta get her EQ up, and that starts with her coming out of her shell. There are programs out there which can help her with her EQ.

Mones are not the answer here.

Moreover, she is at that age where her own hormones are just about ready to shoot sky high. Mones may wreak havoc with puberty.

Wow Kimosabe - you hit the nail right on the head. Thank you so much for taking the time to write such an accurate and insightful reply. Although I'm biased, she is really a special person, she's been tested and is in the 99th percentile in all academic areas, and as such is in all the advanced placement classes available. She is not a "prodigy" but naturally gifted...and you are right in that the other kids don't get her and she doesn't get them either. I understand its not a "fix" we arelooking for, but more her gaining an understanding of herself and being comfortable in her "own skin". You are right - mones aren't the answer...once she matures physically and gains that centered perspective, social mones may help her some..but they are not a panacea for anyone. Again, I can't thank you enough for your kind words and grounded perspective. All the best, Gary

I wouldn't run the risk of any pheromones on a kid that young.

Don't send her to a therapist, it will likely make her feel more isolated than she already feels she is.

If she has any interests, take her to some after school club with other children with similar interests.

It is pretty sucky being an introverted kid, but she will likely grow up to be a person with her own mind. Which is a rare and valuable commodity. When she is older she will come to realise that not fitting in is a gift.

She does not need chemicals, or therapy, or anything else She is fine just the way that she is. Just remind her of that often.

A

My pleasure to be of service. Hope your daughter achieves what she desires as quickly as possible.

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(02-27-2015 2:54 PM)Alphonse Wrote:  ...
Don't send her to a therapist, it will likely make her feel more isolated than she already feels she is.
...

Not all therapists are created equal.

In the same way that the sooner his daughter explores and embraces her uniqueness, the faster she can become comfortable in her own skin.

She obviously will fit in more as she gets older, but middle school is a really rough time that can make or break someones confidence. I would suggest some self help books. I think that is how you would describe them. Maybe a book on how to be more confident, one on social skills or social norms. Obviously being smart is one of the most desirable characteristics and that intellect never leaves but if she work on social skills maybe it would help her fit in so she is more satisfied with her life.

I would just google books on the above. Might help I dont know.

Found this: http://www.amazon.com/CHATTER-Charisma-A...6JMQ3S4TSW

And there a lot that are similar. I am sure she could read at a level like this even though it is probably catered to adults

I agree that mones aren't the answer here. I will also agree with kimosabe on each of his points, including the therapist. If she is as you say, she will also understand that seeing someone is a help, not something to stigmatize. Definitely finding the right therapist is key
Best of every good thing for you both!

Thanks to all of you for your heartfelt words and best wishes!!!

Glad I posted, especially about the mones - my gut said no ... my head said ask those that know! You guys are right on target.

Decided to go slow, give as much love and encouragement as humanly possible...We will get her out and about a lot more go to shows/plays, museums, climbing parks, lunch's...etc. getting her to interact with others as well as bring her friend...and slowly add another "friend" as opportunity presents its self. With any luck we can help her develop a small group that goes and does stuff together...hopefully that will get the ball rolling.

Also, we talked with her teachers and touched on her shyness, without making it an "issue" they will help by trying to pair her up
with a variety of kids and letting us know how it works out (which is awesome).

In case any one has similar situation http://hsperson.com is a great link also goggling "gifted and talented" leads to a lot of great info.

If she is still having a rough time, we will explore a therapist ... its really too bad there is such a stigma around that line of help.

I'm kind of old school in that I had it hard growing up - picked on, bullied...etc. until I figured out how to handle it and hit my growth spurt from 14 - 16. But boys handle that stuff so different from girls... I wouldn't want to be a girl in middle school for all the tea in China!

I know life isn't all "sunshine and rainbows" - but for little kids it should most definitely be. They grow up too soon and too fast.

Thanks again for your notes and insights!

Most importantly, go at her pace. If she says she isn't feeling up to going out on a particular day, softly encourage but don't push. Get HER to come up with outing schedules so that she feels in control of her own life.

If there's something introverts HATE, and I mean ABSOLUTELY hate, it is being "strongly encouraged" to go out, interact with others, etc. We feel it is a total waste of our time and drain on our energy when these things are done just for the sake of doing them instead of for a higher purpose.

Yep.

I said WE.

Have you considered helping her to read body language? That can give her more social feedback and help her learn about what other people are feeling. Joe Navarro has some good books. Many introverts become extroverts when they gain a better understanding of their social situation. Things that are obvious to you may not be obvious to her, so feel free to talk over social situations and discuss cause, effect and strategy if you can have those kinds of situatoins.