I feel compelled to write this and since no one is forced to read this stuff that’s what I’m gonna do. This is just one woman’s viewpoint and I would love to know what others think…about any of it…

Sex in a relationship, or actually, the lack there of - cause or effect?

Maybe I’m too pie in the sky. I’ve been told I’m too honest and talk about things that make people’s jaws drop because I treat things too frankly. A mild "for instance": As acquaintances before dating my husband and I made small talk and the usual things people do when they’re getting to know each other while in a small group of people, but on our first date we talked about past relationships, hits and misses, future goals and whether either of us wanted kids. Not the normal 1st date talk. I had just come out of a long term relationship the year before where it had felt like I had been living and caring for a grown child (substance abuse issues) and I wanted to live for me at that point, not have to take care of someone new or even think of having kids. I knew I was being completely selfish and had told him so. I didn’t want him to waste his time on me if we weren’t on the same page. I had also shifted my thinking on relationship communication as well, lol….

Once upon a time, I had spent years, like so many people, keeping things to myself, stuffing my emotions by not talking about the important things, or hell, just the honest things. Yeah, there’s a filter, you shouldn’t blurt things out in a hurtful way and yeah sometimes being honest will burn you and wind up costing you a lot. Maybe that’s why some people keep quiet? Just not willing to pay the cost of what being honest may entail so people get comfortable in their discomfort and convince themselves they're ok there. Does this mean I’m honest with everyone all the time now? NO. Some people just don’t matter, like people you work with, yeah, sometimes you need to tell people where you’re coming form but most of the time you’re just sharing space and all you gotta do is get through your shift and move along. That may sound more harsh then I intended but my point here isn't about people outside the home. But in your relationships at home? Particularly our partners? With the people that we project to others are the most important ones in your life? The ones we’ve decided to give our hearts to, our time to and our lives to?

My husband said he wanted a good bad girl, lol, and then he got me. He also warns people all the time now to be careful what you wish for cause you just might get it! (we’ve been married 10 years now so my honesty didn’t scare him off). I’m a bad girl. Not a kick ass, start fights, pain in the ass, griping, moaning and bitching bad, though I know she’s in here, lol. More of a naughty, mischievous, dirty bad. The good side is that I’m loyal, honest, not a cheater (though I’m a horrible flirt) and I will not talk down about him to friends, his or mine. I defer respect to him with friends, family and the general public at large even when he’s been less than worthy of it. That’s one of the good sides of this bad girl. Another good side is that, because of the honesty we’ve built into our relationship, I can talk with him about offensive behavior, privately and not call him out to deliberately embarrass him for his behavior in front of peers. Sometimes he’s out of line, sometimes I just misinterpreted something. Something that he’s said and has stuck with me is: “I will never do something to intentionally piss you off and cause contention between us” and I always keep that in mind because I believe him and its ditto on my side too. Now I get that some couples seem to rather enjoy pissing each other off and living in tempestuous relationships…call me crazy, but I quite like getting along. I like knowing he’s my safe place. He likes knowing that when everything else is going to shit during his day, when he comes home to me he isn’t walking into another pile of it.

Which FIANNLY brings me to SEX. This bad girl LOVES sex. I’ve got 2 friends who in as many years have gotten divorced because, among other things, there was NO sex. How does this happen?! If we go without for 2 weeks, say, and it’s not due to work schedules, you can bet we’re having a conversation, lol. Apparently this is another good side to the bad girl…I LIKE sex, quickies, long and leisurely and everything in between…I’ll even try anyWHERE at least once. I LIKE giving him fallacio, it gets me off getting him off. When “aunt flow” comes to visit I don’t have sex, some do, I know, but ick, no thanks. But should he do without too? Hell no! I wouldn’t want to lol. That’s where BJs or a really nice hand job with some oils comes in…and I’m not talking the kind of attention where you just “DO” him and get it over with…I’m mean something very enjoyable that makes him squirm because it’s teasing…bring him to the edge and then backing off until he’s begging for it. Because damn it, if it were me that’s what I’d like HA! (and he does like it)

So can you see how a crap relationship could put a hamper on whether or not you’d like to do pleasing things for one another? Stuffing your emotions, harboring bitterness and resentment, lack of communication and understanding? Not being willing to give of yourself unless or until you get something form the other person first? Yeah, I get him off for him, but I do it for me too and I’ll do stuff like that even whan aunt flow isn’t in town BECAUSE IT’S FUN. I love having that power over him – oh, and it IS power, but don’t worry, he’s got me in his pocket too!

Ug! So. Like I said. this is a rant...

I like sex, often, please, lol, just like it says under the avi., but if it’s more than just a one night stand, then ought there not be some basic ground rules? OK so maybe all this will blow up in my face someday. Maybe my guy will disappoint me and leave for some other chick and I’ll be like, WT? We all have our demons, our temptations. Maybe I’ll lose my reason and be the one to stray? After all, I’m not good just because I can behave that way. I’m bad, to the core, and I know it. Ah, but knowledge is power. If I’m not perfect, then why in THE hell would I expect it from anyone else? It’s an imperfect love in an imperfect marriage. It’s a relationship that keeps me good. It’s the honesty, not just with others but with myself, that keeps me sorted out…no denial, no delusions. If the shit hits the fan, I’ll figure out my part in it. Then again, sometimes shit just happens. So what? I’m past the past because the past is gone, learn from it and move along. I’m not going to bother letting the “what ifs” of the future mess with my head in the now either, I’m living for today and making this day the best damn day, TODAY. So I’m going to give everything, why should I hold back? Who am I really hurting by doing that anyway? I’ve been giving as good as I get and then some but I burned the score card a long time ago. I have MADE THE CHOICE (and it is a choice) to forgive and forget the intentional, accidental AND even the perceived hurts…however many times it takes, lol…and I have to say, I love the freedom that comes with it. I wouldn’t change a thing in my past because it’s made me who I am, and I LIKE me, but I’ll be damned if I let 1 single thing in my past hold me prisoner there and I hope you all feel the same about your own journeys!

Be honest with yourself. Be honest with those you say you love. Give everything and don’t hold anything back- you’re only short-selling yourself that way. Today is all you have. Make it count.

End of rant.

Whew!

Relationships are an interesting thing. While within one, both parties should account for each other's needs at all times to a reasonable extent.

If one person in the relationship keeps pressing unreasonable demands upon the boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife link then that's when it becomes sometimes too tough. It seems a lot of people walk out when there are too many bouts of discommunication. Talking probably can only do so much if either party has an unreconciled hurt that is in need of being addressed.

(...this is an attempt at some bad humor)

Though, sometimes to keep something that is determined to be valuable to yourself or anyone's self it would seem it's neccessary to give up perhaps the ideal (it probably isn't really ideal) situation which would be for example... dating one's self in the opposite gender...

(okay, this one is a real joke now)

...or a mannequin spouse that does exactly what you want as far as playing the role as a high quality window decoration or an exquisite coat rack. The mannequin would have to have stretched out arms that could hold the weight of the coats in order to be a functioning coat rack...

(11-03-2012 6:45 AM)Androaura Wrote:  Relationships are an interesting thing. While within one, both parties should account for each other's needs at all times to a reasonable extent.

If one person in the relationship keeps pressing unreasonable demands upon the boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife link then that's when it becomes sometimes too tough. It seems a lot of people walk out when there are too many bouts of discommunication. Talking probably can only do so much if either party has an unreconciled hurt that is in need of being addressed.

It’s true, relationships are work. I get that today’s society in general it a consumer one. What’s in it for ME? I’m not giving until I know I’m getting back FIRST….where’s my guarantee? Oh, and by the way, did you read my disclaimer? LOL OK Bad joke, but I’m only partly joking too. Our 10 + years together hasn’t all been marshmallow fluff. There were 3 times in that course that we were on the verge of splitting. Those are the “bouts of miscommunication” I believe you’re referring to – HA! But those are also the times we sat down and hashed it out. Did we care enough about each other and the relationship to do what needed to be done to mend and build and grow – together? Be completely honest here…cause it’s gonna mean work…for both parties. You’re not your own island anymore. Like you said about meeting each other’s needs. It’s about compromise and rational requests. Room for independence but not at the expense of tromping over your partner. It’s about talking through the hurts and laying them on the table, then when they’re hashed out…let them go! Forget about them (yes I know we can’t really just forget, but you CAN choose to let it go and NOT hold onto it to be thrown in each other’s faces down the road…pet peeve of mine: people holding onto crap FOREVER for years beyond its relevance and then trying to throw that into the mix of current events, Ag!)

Oh! Here’s another wackadoodle idea…I trust him. I trust him to TRY to make the best choices he knows how for us. I also know he’s not always going to make the right ones…JUST LIKE ME. I’m fallible. This relationship thing didn't come with a "how to" book. I try to do things right, but you can bet I’ll get it wrong sometimes…SOMETIMES I even get it wrong on purpose,,,my temperament is fallible too, lol. But for the most part, I’m making decisions in our best interest and I know he is too. But sometimes…shit happens, right? You do it, I do it, we all do it. I’m not so quick to point my finger because I know there’s a good chance one might be pointed back at me. It does take 2 after all. It’s more work to sort it out, sit down and talk about it than it is to just blow up and place blame – not on yourself of course

(11-03-2012 10:07 AM)NuTrix Wrote:  It’s more work to sort it out, sit down and talk about it than it is to just blow up and place blame – not on yourself of course

I place blame on myself.

My moods are erratic making plans, ideas and goal hard to rely on.
I'm sometimes highly impulsive and need someone to slam on the brakes, this means work for her.
My interpersonal skills are poor-fair and I frequently step right in it socially.
I have diarrhea of the mouth.

My mood runs a cycle from hypomania-insomnia-anger-disphoria-insomnia-anger-hypomania-repeat.
This takes about a year and is best compared to winter in northern climes.

I constantly fail to meet my own potential.
I underachieve in nearly all fields. (according to MY potential, I often blow others clean out of the water)

I read 500+ pages every week, often 2000+ pages and this keeps me supplied with new ideas to (distract) explore. It also consumes time thereby reducing productivity.
It also costs money (glace,New Pheromone Additive,exoticaxs etc)

I carry baggage from a marginal upbringing (euphemism of the week LOL)
Sometimes I'm not aware or awake and function in a completely reactive state.


Should I go on?

DO I cry or laugh or both?

(11-05-2012 6:13 AM)John Schlongfellow Wrote:  I place blame on myself.

My moods are erratic making plans, ideas and goal hard to rely on.
I'm sometimes highly impulsive and need someone to slam on the brakes, this means work for her.
My interpersonal skills are poor-fair and I frequently step right in it socially.

You are NOT alone...I'm married to one of your relations I think

(11-05-2012 6:13 AM)John Schlongfellow Wrote:  I have diarrhea of the mouth.

Sounds messy or, at least, I bet it can be...stay away from heavy Beta-Androstenol blends lol!

(11-05-2012 6:13 AM)John Schlongfellow Wrote:  My mood runs a cycle from hypomania-insomnia-anger-disphoria-insomnia-anger-hypomania-repeat.
This takes about a year and is best compared to winter in northern climes.

I'm exhausted Are you exhausted too?

(11-05-2012 6:13 AM)John Schlongfellow Wrote:  I constantly fail to meet my own potential.
I underachieve in nearly all fields. (according to MY potential, I often blow others clean out of the water)

Hmm. Reference: "My moods are erratic making plans, ideas and goal hard to rely on."???

(11-05-2012 6:13 AM)John Schlongfellow Wrote:  I read 500+ pages every week, often 2000+ pages and this keeps me supplied with new ideas to (distract) explore. It also consumes time thereby reducing productivity.
It also costs money

Ok...this one is me too, lol!

(11-05-2012 6:13 AM)John Schlongfellow Wrote:  I carry baggage from a marginal upbringing (euphemism of the week LOL)

Recognition + acceptance + forgiveness (of yourself & others)= freedom...Yeah, easier written than done...

(11-05-2012 6:13 AM)John Schlongfellow Wrote:  Sometimes I'm not aware or awake and function in a completely reactive state.

Not afraid to take responsibility for personal struggles and imperfections is better than denial or delusions of grandeur (within reason of course)

(11-05-2012 6:13 AM)John Schlongfellow Wrote:  Should I go on?

Congratulations! You are definitely, DEFINATELY normal...just like the rest of us! Welcome to the party

An addition to my rant that seems to fit particularly well into this forum...

LAZINESS!

NO! Laziness isn't the part that suits this forum, lol, hardly...allow me to explain...

Some people suffer from complacency and laziness in a relationship. Chances are if you're here, then you're NOT the one being lazy. You are the one being proactive, CONGRATULATIONS! I applaud you! You're obviously looking for ways to keep things...interesting? ...at home or at play.

Some suffer from the "I've won the prize. It's mine. Competition over." Lowered expectations. Arg! Doesn't it just KILL ya?! I love comfy sweats and T-shirts, hair up in a ponytail, no make up days, sure. But I also still love dates after work, wearing "accentuating" clothing, glamming out, high heels and knowing HE'S noticing other men noticing ME when I walk through a room. Granted, I stay healthy for me, but it doesn't hurt that my ass looks good in that pair of jeans or that mamma blessed me with a set of hooters that are hard to hide...can I get a witness?!

So yeah, the lovey-dovey, I'm here for you and always will be, you can always be comfortable just being who you are with me, is great and, yeah, maybe on the technicality of being won already, we don't have to do all the primping we did in the early days but that's just complacency rearing it's ugly head IMHO. I'm always looking for new and inventive ways to show I'm still the sassy, sexy, naughty vixen he first fell in love with. Oh, and it's not all for naught...I gets me the appreciation I'm looking for.

Add to that all the fun things mones bring to the table and it's fireworks all over again...practically on command- whoot-whoot!!! Just makes my endeavors that much easier