I have just recently become aware of attachment theory. I also see how I fit into the Anxious Attachment category. I also see how my wife fits in the Avoidant Attachment category. There are some real mismatches there that I just realized fall into a well defined pattern with lots of other Anxious-Avoidant couples.

I'm guessing most users of Pheromones are the Anxious type, as it seems natural to associate the "wanting more closeness and intimacy" description of the Anxious Attachment profile with "Using 'mones to enhance attraction, closeness & intimacy".

Has anyone else run up against the Avoidant Attachment wall?

Here is an Online Test:
http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl

What do you do? I'm just realizing this label applies to my marriage of 17 years.

Just took the test, I am rated "Secure" with attachment-related anxiety score 1.28 and attachment-related avoidance score 1.44.

Dunno man, I was always very open with my partners and prefer to talk things out instead of keeping them bottled up inside.

In the past, I did the anxious attachment thing, only to realize that THAT was what was driving her away. Once I chilled out and relaxed, she came right back and stronger in attachment.

I must of lied on questions. My old style was one of no sharing and limited closeness which typically results in a relationship that dies due to lack of emotion. Pasted my details below.

Combining your anxiety and avoidance scores, you fall into the secure region of the space. Previous research on attachment styles indicates that secure people tend to have relatively enduring and satisfying relationships. They are comfortable expressing their emotions, and tend not to suffer from depression and other psychological disorders.

Attachment-related anxiety score is 2.78, on a scale ranging from 1 (low anxiety) to 7 (high anxiety). Your attachment-related avoidance score is 3.67, on a scale ranging from 1 (low avoidance) to 7 (high avoidance). 

I assume my wife would be possibly high in anxiety and low in avoidance. We have already talked about my issue but things like Tac and glace seem to help.

thanks kimosabe and meltingash,
you are in the "secure" category which is a good place to be.

I've just found that the Avoidant category is the one that was somehow traumatized before 3yrs old and they prefer non-committal relationships and the company of strangers to committed relationships. Which explains why my wife likes to go to the gym and work out with strangers in exercise classes more than hanging out with me.

Another sorta fact is that Avoidant-Attachment types get divorced the most, they rarely/never marry other Avoidant-Attachment type spouses, and they make up about 25% of the population.
They use terms and devices to distance themselves from their spouse/SO like:

Quote:Top Ten Signs Your Partner is Avoidant
https://aloftyexistence.wordpress.com/20...-avoidant/

10. Stresses boundaries
9. Uncomfortable sharing deep feelings
8. Prefers casual sex
7. Disregards your feelings
6. Misses you when apart, but when together wants to escape
5. Pulls away when intimacy nears
4. Idealizes a past relationship or partner, or dreams of “the one”
3. Sends mixed signals
2. Values independence and looks down on “neediness”
1. Fear of commitment/Fear of being “trapped”


Avoidant is one of the three main relationship attachment styles. Avoidants are people who wish to keep their distance and minimize closeness in romantic relationships. They are the least happy in relationships, and tend to blame their unhappiness on their partners.

Avoidants tend not to date other avoidants. Two people with this attachment style lack the “togetherness” that a relationship requires. In addition, avoidants end relationships more quickly. So you are likely to have dated an avoidant in the past or may be now involved with one. If you aren’t sure or need confirmation that you are dealing with a person who has an avoidant attachment style, here are the top ten signs your partner is avoidant (in increasing order of importance):

10. Stresses boundaries

To make sure that their space is not being invaded, avoidants create strict boundaries between themselves and their partners. These boundaries may be physical or emotional — sleeping in a separate room or home or keeping insignificant (or important) information from their partner.

9. Uncomfortable sharing deep feelings

Avoidants don’t like to share their deepest feelings with their partners; withholding feelings allows them to keep their emotional distance and remain self-reliant. Sharing would bring them closer to their partner — exactly what they want to avoid.

Don’t confuse this sign with the anxious partner’s apprehension. It’s integral to understand why the person is withholding feelings. The anxious person keeps feelings because they fear their partner will not feel the same way as them, or their partner will feel stifled and distance themselves. For the avoidant it’s done to keep distance via an emotional boundary.

8. Prefers casual sex

Some avoidants use casual sex as a way to avoid intimacy. They prefer casual sex to sex with an intimate partner because their physical needs are fulfilled but they don’t have to worry about caring for their partner’s feelings afterward or during. They can also avoid the greater intimacy that results from physical contact.

7. Disregards your feelings

Avoidants believe people are solely responsible for their own well-being and happiness. In relationships they tend to treat their romantic partner like a business partner — they ignore their feelings and respond only to the facts. When confronted they make their partner out to be “sensitive”, “overreacting”, or “needy”.

6. Misses you when apart, but when together wants to escape

Avoidants still have the basic need for love and attachment. So avoidants will miss their partner when they are not around. But if their partner returns, so does the avoidant’s feelings of being “trapped”, and they feel like they need more space once again.

5. Pulls away when intimacy nears

At the beginning of dating an avoidant you may think everything is going well. They are attentive, loving, and supportive. But as time goes on they find reasons to pull away. They may say things like “the timing is not right” or comment that things aren’t what they thought they would be.

4. Idealizes a past relationship or partner, or dreams of “the one”

Don’t be confused — dreaming of the ideal partner or dwelling on a past relationship doesn’t mean the avoidant wants true love and intimacy; it is an avoidant mechanism. By idealizing a past relationship, the avoidant safely assures they don’t have to deal their current relationship. They convince themselves they missed out on love with some “perfect” ex or that their current partner is not right for them. This way true love and intimacy are always just out of reach.

Again, don’t misinterpret this sign to indicate an anxious attachment style. Anxious people idealize a past partner or long for the one when not in a relationship. When they are in a relationship, anxious people are more focused on the current. They will most likely idealize their current partner and they would not overlook their current partner for an ideal.

3. Sends mixed signals

Avoidants tend to be on and off about their relationship. One day they are planning to move in with their partner and the next day they act as if they just met them. They will appear sensitive yet distant at the same time. Partners are not sure what to think of them. And when their partner finally decides, the avoidant changes again.

2. Values independence and looks down on “neediness”

If your partner cherishes independence above all, it is a clear sign that they are avoidant. Avoidants believe they are strong and independent, and that they can ultimately only count on themselves. They look down on those that recognize their need for others.

Secures also value independence but not to the same degree. Secure partners realize the importance of both independence and partnership. Avoidants only acknowledge the need for independence.

2. Values independence and looks down on “neediness”

If your partner cherishes independence above all, it is a clear sign that they are avoidant. Avoidants believe they are strong and independent, and that they can ultimately only count on themselves. They look down on those that recognize their need for others.

Secures also value independence but not to the same degree. Secure partners realize the importance of both independence and partnership. Avoidants only acknowledge the need for independence.

1. Fear of commitment/Fear of being “trapped”

The number one sign that your partner is avoidant is if they fear being trapped into a long-term commitment or marriage. Avoidants are constantly on the look-out for any impingement on their space and anyone wanting to create more intimacy. Remember, this is a constant mode of thinking with the avoidant, not a one-time concern.

Alright, totally lied on the survey or had mones affecting my responses. Based on what you listed pretty well perfectly describes what I have been trying to change about myself. My wife and previous relationships have described me as almost emotionless. We also tend to be different (thought this was just a guy thing) where I connect with sex and her intimacy. We both always want more of our preference of course to give the other. I do not have an interest in strangers though , I actually prefer solitude.

(02-07-2015 9:15 AM)MeltingAsh Wrote:  Alright, totally lied on the survey or had mones affecting my responses. Based on what you listed pretty well perfectly describes what I have been trying to change about myself. My wife and previous relationships have described me as almost emotionless. We also tend to be different (thought this was just a guy thing) where I connect with sex and her intimacy. We both always want more of our preference of course to give the other. I do not have an interest in strangers though , I actually prefer solitude.

Hey MeltingAsh, thanks for the update. So I am on the other side of the spectrum (Anxious/Preoccupied), but my wife is totally on the Avoidant/Dismissive side. I'm reading some books on it (Attachment Theory and Avoidant Attachment) and it seems to fill in some freaking huge gaps that exist with the MBTI stuff that I knew before. They coexist quite well (MBTI & Attachment), but I'm just trying to figure out what I need to do because there is a lot of info on how me & my wife have conflicting types that always get into trouble (Anxious vs. Avoidant).

Are there any 'mones that have self effects on you that will temporarily smooth over your Avoidant style?

Are there any 'mones that have self effects on you that will temporarily smooth over your Avoidant style?

Apologies, was away for a bit. I think Tac is the most effective as it makes me want to sit still. Mixing it was the smurf gel seems to allow for together time where I do not see an immediate need to move to a separate couch or room.

(02-14-2015 3:00 PM)MeltingAsh Wrote:  Are there any 'mones that have self effects on you that will temporarily smooth over your Avoidant style?

Apologies, was away for a bit. I think Tac is the most effective as it makes me want to sit still. Mixing it was the smurf gel seems to allow for together time where I do not see an immediate need to move to a separate couch or room.

thanks MeltingAsh, i'll be trying the TAC and ordered some "Smurf Gel". At least I think I did, as "Smurf Gel" seemed to refer to SXD-9. that had quite some reports on it too.

copied from the MBTI thread...

OK, i'm an avid fan and research the MBTI alot.

BUT....
There is another dimension to people that I've just been made aware of (not that there aren't tons of other dimensions to people, I knew that). Attachment theory divides people up into categories that are somewhat related but not really related to MBTI. It shows how people function in close relationships, but not personality in general.

Attachment theory divides people into categories:
1. Secure (60%)
2. Anxious/Preoccupied (20%)
3. Avoidant/Dismissive (25%)
4. Fearful Avoidant (aka Anxious Avoidant) (5%)

Essentially, most people fall into categories 1-3, with 4 being rare and you don't want to be 4.

Category 1 is a emotionally healthy person who you would want to date/marry. They are rare in the over age 30 dating population because they already have a healthy relationship and it is probably solid and they don't need to look.

Category 2 is a needy/clingy person who will become anxious and more needy/clingy if they don't get positive feedback from their significant other in close relationships. They will mistake the feelings of anxiety for love. Because of this, they are the only ones who will chase after a Category 3 type, who will retreat from attention.

Category 3 is a person who will dissociate. If they don't get positive feedback they will distance themselves emotionally from their significant other. Category 3 makes up the largest % of the over age 30 dating population as they are less likely to be in a long term relationship, and more likely to be divorced, multiple times. They may NEVER feel true passionate love type feelings in their entire life. They prefer casual sex to intimate sex because they have intimacy problems. They want to feel INDEPENDANT, and fear a relationship when things get close enough to rely on the other person.

Yup, 3 is me, decided to google it and found points which also seem to relate well. Odd though, my wife over time has seemed to adapt and move from anxious to secure. I thought I was just dragging her down. I always hope that my kids do not misinterpret this style as a disregard for them so I am constantly pushing myself to my boundaries in order to meet their needs. Once again, TAC and SDX-9 help, any alpha mones do not help at all.

Below is the text from the site that relates well to my style.

The avoidant attachment style is the least comfortable with high levels of intimacy and strongly values independence. This isn’t to say that they don’t want intimacy or don’t need it, but they have a way of suppressing this need that causes them to be more independent. An attempt to get intense closeness from an avoidant attachment style may cause them to feel uncomfortable and employ deactivating strategies in order to restore some distance or balance. Let’s put it this way, if each style had a tank that they fill up with intimacy each day, avoidants would have a very small tank, secure individuals would have a moderate to average tank, and anxiously attached individuals would have a large tank. Anxiously attached individuals’ tanks are bigger and harder to fill…especially if you are looking to an avoidant to fill it. Understanding these discrepancies can help you come to compromises in your relationships. A good one would be to both strive for a healthy and average size tank.

It is important to realize that this need for independence is central to who they are and is not meant as a personal slight to their partner or the person they are dating.